It’s Christmas time, or at least close, anyway. Or make that Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah or simply generic holidays — whichever holiday or generic term suits your fancy or religious beliefs or what nots. Anyway, this is the time of year most people celebrate for some reason or another, so I thought I’d take the time to contemplate a NASCAR wish list. No, I’m not talking about any sort of NASCAR-themed gifts I’m hoping for. Instead, this is about what I’m hoping some of NASCAR’s finest find under their Christmas trees or whatever symbol helps you celebrate the day, or days, you celebrate this time of year. Okay, the above was my half-a**ed attempt at being some semblance of politically correct. Anyway, here it goes:
Crew chief Darian Grubb: a belated explanation of why he was fired from Stewart-Haas Racing at the end of 2011. It’s not that the reason matters anymore. After all, he finished out 2012 with Denny Hamlin and Joe Gibbs Racing better than his former boss Tony Stewart and his replacement Steve Addington at Stewart-Haas Racing did. As Ashton Kutcher’s Michael Kelso character on “That 70s Show” would’ve said, “BBBUUUURRRRNNN!” Anyway, as recently as a couple or so months ago, Grubb claimed that he still didn’t know why he was fired. I don’t know about Grubb, but when I get canned, I want to know why.
Sprint Cup Series champion Brad Keselowsk: more Miller Lite. Of course, I’m sure he has a never-ending supply since the bear company is his primary sponsor. I’m guessing he’s not running short. I just felt the need to include this one, because the guy sure seemed to be at least somewhat lit pretty much every time he was interviewed shortly after officially claiming the title at Homestead-Miami Speedway last month and again in Las Vegas during Champion’s Week. And I have to admit, drunk Brad sure provided some entertaining interviews.
Jimmie Johnson: I don’t know if this would be classified as re-gifting or simply giving someone a used gift, but Johnson probably wants his golden horseshoe back. You remember, that golden horseshoe that Kevin Harvick claimed Johnson had stuck up his a** a couple of years or so ago. That horseshoe must have gotten dislodged from his derriere near the end of the season. Maybe he just needs a new one.
Juan Montoya: a bigger onboard fire extinguisher. I’m guessing he might have used the last one up when he took out that jet dryer at Daytona last February. Okay, I realize Montoya/jet dryer jokes got old at least a few months ago, but the incident is like the gift that just keeps on giving, and this is, after all, a blog about gifting.
Jeff Gordon: a copy of Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Going To Take It” on digital dowload, CD, cassette, LP or 8-track, what-have-you. That is Gordon’s new theme song, isn’t it? And I just had to throw in those older formats as a jab at his AARP sponsorship, even though I have to admit, I do kind of remember 8-tracks. I was really young then, though, I swear. Now that I think about it, maybe this should be Gordon’s intro song of choice at Bristol. That’s another blog post for another time. Maybe I should make a note of that.
Okay, I’m back.
Denny Hamlin: oh, just forget it; this guy’s expecting a baby. Don’t you know that once you have a baby, everything’s about the kid? It’s like you don’t even exist anymore. Or at least that’s what my friends with kids have told me.
A.J. Allmendinger: curiosity. Maybe curiosity would have prompted Allmendinger to ask that so-called friend of a friend what that little blue pill was before he took it and then proceeded to fail a NASCAR drug test.
Now, I think I’m getting to that point where I just give up on my Christmas shopping and take that easy gift card way out — new cars for everybody!
On a more serious note — Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy December whatever. Okay, back to that PC stuff again, but I digress. See you in Daytona! And before you ask, no I didn’t sneak myself some of Keselowski’s gift, although you may think so if you’ve been reading closely.
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